2:15 am-Desperate mama brings awake baby into her bed where hubby is sleeping (because the man has to work int he morning)
2:20 am-Very awake baby is giggling and slapping Daddy saying “hey da da!”
2:25 am-Guilt ridden mama (feeling oh so badly that she has woken Daddy on a work night) takes baby girl to her room, puts her in her bed, and shuts the door to let her “cry it out”
2:35 am-In a hushed whisper Daddy says to Mama “see she is sleeping now, you are a good mama”
Let’s back track to 12:30am when baby girl woke up initially…Mama got up fed baby girl, rocked baby girl, sang to baby girl, changed baby girl’s diaper, rocked baby girl some more….realized baby girl just wanted to snuggle and play with mama….one TIRED mama, tired from last week’s SLEEPLESS nights as baby girl got 5 new teeth all at the same time…one tired mama who so desperately wants to be the best mama to this little girl.
See this face (the face of a girl playing peek-a-boo with mama…she kept popping up from behind the table so happy and so proud)…this is the face of a baby girl that has her mama’s whole heart. I want nothing more than to be the very best mama to her….sometimes being the very best mama is HARD…you see those 10 minutes from 2:25am to 2:35am were SO MUCH HARDER on this mama than the 1 1/2 hours before them that I was up in the middle of the night with a needy baby.
See this face (the “Mama you found me, here I am” after I have said “where’s Agnes” 10 times)…this is a face of a girl who needs her mama to be strong and lead her…this is the face of a little girl who needs love and loving correction. This sweet girl as such a sweet disposition, she is happy all the time (even at 2am when she should be sleeping). She is also strong-willed (like her mama) and has no problem telling/showing you what she wants…like wanting to play with mama and daddy at 2:30am.
See this little face (saying “look Mama I was just hiding down there, how come you couldn’t find me”)…this is the face of a little girl who is an answer to prayer. This little face is a gift from God and He wants the best for her. God entrusted her to us, and we are to do our very best with her after His instruction. She slept well after the 10 minutes of crying….she woke up happy…and she LOVES her mama…the mama who sentenced her to cry it out in her crib!
As my love for this little one grows everyday (just when I think I couldn’t love her anymore, I do…I love her more by the minute…at times it hurts I have so much love for her), I get more of a glimpse at how much the father loves me. He LOVES me SO MUCH that He let me see His glory through Agnes! He brought her into our lives in the miraculous way of adoption…He overcame hurtles for us…He answered our prayers for a child…He gave us FAR MORE than we ever imagined…He gets all the credit, He gets all the glory.
For years (and years, what at the time felt like FOREVER) I was “crying it out”….But God had something better for me….He had AGNES!! She is the best gift, and God knew that even when I didn’t so He let me “cry it out” because that was best for me at them time.
I can’t help but wonder if letting me “cry it out” for years was hard on God…it was SO HARD for me to let my baby girl cry for 10 minutes, but I knew it was best for her so I did….but was it hard for God to see his baby girl (me) cry for years for the desire of her heart? He knew He had the best for me, but did His heart break every time He heard me sobbing and screaming out to Him in immense pain to grant me my desire to be a mom? This mama business is HARD…its NO JOKE…I have to be “on” at all times, 24/7…and I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but being honest it’s hard because I don’t want her to ever feel pain. I can’t even imagine what God feels for His children….I mean I have a little taste now in my short tenure as mama, but His love is so much greater…His love sent His son to the cross….that kind of love is PAINFUL….when I say I love Agnes so much it hurts, it doesn’t even touch the kind of love the father has for us.
To answer my own question, YES….yes I think it must have been hard for God to let me “cry it out” for years….yes I think it must have been painful to watch His little girl be in agony over wanting a baby so badly….yes I think He did cry tears for me and feel my pain….But
I think I know that He knew He had the best for me…He knew that there were lessons and patience that needed to be learned…He knew that there was a process He was allowing me to go through….He had better for me and as hard as it was for Him to see me in pain, He knew it was for the best.
When I look at my little
tired Valentine this year, I see JOY! I see answered prayer! I see a promise in the flesh! I am so thankful that God let me “cry it out”. I am so thankful that I get the privilege of being Agnes’ mama. I am thankful that I have a heavenly father that loves me enough not to spare the “ rod crying it out” so that I become spoiled….and I am thankful for His word and tender instruction as I navigate parenting this precious life He has entrusted to me. My prayer is that she sees the LOVE in this business of “sparing not”….that she has a good example in her mama….that she grows up to see that her Heavenly father LOVES her FAR MORE EXCEEDINGLY ABOVE the already GREAT AMOUNT her mama and daddy love her!