Perhaps the greatest void I have ever had in my life was the void of being childless…for MANY years that void was filled with prayer and heartfelt cries out to God. That void brought me to my knees more than I wanted to be, but it took me so close to the Lord. I knew He loved me and was caring for me even in my pain.
Now that void has been filled with the greatest JOY in my life, my precious little Agnes girl! God answered my prayers, He brought me my greatest desire, He gave us our girl and the time of waiting ended.
Did I stop needing Him?
No!…but….but somewhere in the depths of my selfish sinner heart I think I felt like me needs were met and I no longer needed Him. I had my precious girl in my arms! I was a mama! My prayers were answered! I sort of in a gloating way said to God “Lord, go ahead give yourself a vacation, you did good! Take some time to answer another girl’s prayers.” My daughter is great, therefore I’m great, end of story! On we march as a happy family of three now with NO NEEDS!! “YAY GOD! YOU DID IT!”
That was before now…before this point where I am barely scratching the surface of motherhood…before lots of sleepless nights and exhaustion like I have never experienced before…before day in day out singing the same songs and reading the same books….before long days without adult interaction and short evenings with a hubby working on his master’s degree…before indescribable loneliness, while at the same time NEVER HAVING ONE SECOND ALONE (not even on the toilet)…before this point where I find myself hopelessly on the floor crying out my needs to Him…my daily needs, my hourly needs, my minute to minute needs.
It’s not just motherhood, it can be any season or stage of life, really it’s all of life that should drive us to our knees. I am learning SLOWLY (maybe that’s why God made me a teacher, cause I understand the slow learner and need for repetition of lessons) and relearning that God wants me to solely rely on Him for EVERYTHING, for EVERY breath I take, for my joy, for providing for me, for taking my anxieties, HE WANTS MY ALL TO RELY ON HIS ALL!
My pride seems to get in my way, I think I can do this, I am fine, I don’t need God’s help cause I am not in crisis…I really think God allowed (notice I say allowed and not caused…I don’t think God caused my infertility and pain, He loves me too much to cause me such pain) so much time to pass between wanting to be a mama and me being one because I sought Him so much during that time. He is jealous for me! He wants me! He wants me to want Him! I’m strong willed and stubborn and I think I can do it alone…and that works for about five minutes and then I get down on myself and anxiety creeps in….all the while God is waiting for me patiently to call out to Him, to rely on Him for peace, to rely on Him for joy, to rely on Him for answers.
I wish I was more like my strong willed daughter (she may not have my blood running through her little veins, but God bless her she is strong willed like her mama). My almost two year old knows what she wants and when she wants it and how she wants it. She is learning how to do things on her own and wants to do them on her own. However, my almost two year old daughter knows when she needs Mama’s help and she isn’t afraid to ask, she may not say the word “help” yet, but she gets her point across as she boldly comes to me for help several times a day. Just yesterday I heard her little cries and pleas for help coming from her bed room, and I found her sitting in her book box. She wanted to get in there, so she did…she then got stuck and instantly asked Mama to get her out!
WHY CAN’T I BE LIKE THIS WITH THE LORD?!?! I’m learning…but…unlike my daughter, I fuss and struggle first until I’m so wedged in the box that I am screaming LORD HELP!
My daughter is THE ABSOLUTE BEST (I know there are many parents who will disagree with me on that statement, as you should)! I am beyond blessed, and SO GRATEFUL to God that I get to be Agnes’ mama! The years of struggle and immense pain are all worth it to be her mama. Also I am humbled to be her mama, and I am humbled by this experience of living life after the waiting is over and learning that I still need Him. I still need to “wait” on Him for all aspects of my life.
Never do I want to complain about motherhood, but I do have to give myself more grace and omit some of my pride and admit that motherhood is HARD. My pride and do it all myself attitude has driven me right to a place of crisis at times (different than the crisis of longing for a baby, but crisis none the less). Am I thankful for crisis mode? Honestly? NO!….but in reality I am thankful for my depraved humanity that so GLARINGLY shows me that I need Christ in ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE! I need Him in my loneliness, in my mothering, in my marriage.
With shame I admit that I fully thought I would ROCK THIS thing called motherhood…I put pressure on myself that when I became a mama it would be ALL ME, MRS.AWESOMENESS….I judged other moms in my heart
and even more shamefully, outwardly that I didn’t think treasured their momness enough….I thought I deserved so much! Now, with equal shame, but also with humility, I admit I was wrong! I can’t be the best anything (mom, teacher, wife, friend, woman, grocery shopper, cook…etc) without my LORD!
Realizing my dire need for Him is freeing in many ways! However in lots of ways it has felt like I am being cut wide open. All my thoughts and notions about life are being ripped wide open and exposed for what they are, MY thoughts. I am learning (remember I am a slow learner) that I DEFINITELY NEED GOD EVEN THOUGH THE WAITING IS OVER! I am learning that me, myself, and I are NOT a great team! I am learning that He has my best interest at heart, that He longs for me to have JOY, PEACE, and a FULL LIFE!
I am also learning that I have to CHOOSE HIM….choose Him daily…choose Him in each diaper change….choose Him each time my daughter has minor flip outs in public places….choose him when I’m yet again sitting on the toilet with a little person, her stuffed animal, book, and shampoo bottle are all in my lap too….choose Him when she says a new word or does a new “trick”….choose Him when we are having a tickle fight as a family of three in our big bed….choose Him when my friend tells me she has a brain tumor….choose Him when I prepare to take on a women’s Bible study in my home…I have to CHOOSE HIM in all the parts of this thing called life, in the good parts, in the bad parts, in the ugly parts!
God showed himself strong to me in trials, and it was made super evident that He shows up when we are in the depths crying out to Him. Now I am getting the pleasure of seeing Him in the Joys of life, in the mundane on life, and the messy parts (mostly the parts where there is too much of me) of life!