All the guilt.
All the shame.
All the feelings.
How could I have wanted this so bad and still want this so badly but have these feelings?
These hard feelings…
How could I possibly need a break?
Have a right to a break?
Take a break?
I remember driving in my car, tears streaming down my face making my vision blurry like it was raining but is wasn’t. I would grip the steering wheel tight and cry and scream out to God begging him for a baby. I remember bargaining with the Lord, promising to live a certain way or do certain things for a child in exchange. I remember the heart ache I felt during every baby shower I attended and planned for others. I can still feel the sting of carefree pregnancy announcements from friends and relatives “whoops, we didn’t mean to get pregnant that fast!”. I can feel the anguish after looking at 1 pink line on yet another stick, realizing the nausea I was experiencing was wishful thinking. I haven’t forgotten those all consuming feelings of inadequacy not being able to give my husband a baby month after month.
But something that stung the most for me was seeing others seem to be careless with their treasures. The one thing I truly wanted was to be a mom, to care for a precious baby of my own. When moms in my life would complain about mothering it felt like a knife stuck in my open wound being twisted.
“I just have to get out of this house away from my kids!”
“I need a girl’s night out!”
“YAY! Babysitter tonight!”
“Oh how I could kill for a full night of sleep!”
“My kids wouldn’t stop whining today!”
The list of complaints I heard from moms was long…and each little thing I heard hurt…in my heart I said to myself, “I wish I had kids in my house, I’m sick of girl’s nights, I never want a babysitter I just want to be with MY BABY, I’d take some sleepless nights to have a baby right now, whining? really? I wish I had a little whining creature in my home…”
The Lord has really worked on my heart in this area. He is showing me His grace for others and His compassion. Some of the things I took as personal hurt were actually a sin issue in my own heart because I was hurting. Out of my own self pity and grief I judged others quite harshly, on a non-human unfair scale. This realization hasn’t just come because I am a mom now and have some of those same complaints
and if I’m honest here, I do have some of them at times but God started working on my heart about this issue even before Agnes came home. He has been and continues to show me my utter depravity and need for Him, our collective complete depravity as humans and total need for His saving grace. He had compassion on me and all my super sinfulness when I least deserved it…so what makes me worthy of judging anyone else? He is showing me the immense compassion He has had on me and is gently reminding me to have this compassion on others. He sees hearts, I don’t.
I may not agree with the way other moms parent.
I may not have the same convictions as all my Christian friends.
I may not be comfortable with all the different ways Christians worship.
And that is okay. God judges our hearts. Humbly I have to look at my own ways and see if I am doing all to His glory. I have to check my own motives, no one else’s. I must do all things unto God…whether that is scrubbing the toilet, changing a diaper, rocking my sick baby girl in the middle of the night, leading a ladies Bible study in my home, or meeting a friend who is hurting and listening to her cry. I stand and fall before the Lord and I alone. This process God has taken me through about judgement of others hasn’t been an easy one and I am still learning each day, but I am thankful for His tender heart that hasn’t given up on my wicked sinner self and is gently guiding me in truth and love.