All the guilt.
All the shame.
All the feelings.
How could I have wanted this so bad and still want this so badly but have these feelings?
These hard feelings…
How could I possibly need a break?
Have a right to a break?
Take a break?
I think the truth is that “judgey sinner McSinner Pants” in me had taken such root that I was NEVER going to be one of “those” moms.
As I mentioned in Part One of this series of posts, God has really been working on my heart about judging others. He has been gently guiding me, carefully prying my eyes open to my own piety and also to my desperate depravity. He has been showing me that I am and have been forgiven so much…that I have to learn compassion for others. Truly my heart has broken in this area…broken in repentance for malice and harsh thoughts I had toward others…broken in repentance for the jealousy I had toward other moms…broken because of all the comparisons I had been making when I should have been comparing my sin and the fact that I have made ZERO PAYMENT for it to Jesus’ perfection hanging on a cross.
Its quite miraculous how much He has changed my heart. When we pray and ask God for things that so align with His nature, we really see Him work and move in our hearts. Huge changes. As disgusted as I can be with myself for being “judgey sinner McSinner Pants” all those years that I was hurting so badly, I am also so thankful that God is able and has redeemed even my thoughts towards others.
But then there is me.
I am still here.
I am still sitting on the “judgey sinner McSinner Pants” throne judging and being judged.
Is it “adoptive mom guilt” I am experiencing?
I tell myself that it is all done with the best of intentions, coming from a pure heart.
I want to do and be all and everything for my daughter. I don’t want to miss one bedtime kiss. I don’t want to have to ask for help…after all I did pray for this child for like my whole life, I should be prepared to do it all. I don’t want my husband to “have” to do one dish or give one bath or fold any laundry.
Doesn’t desperately desiring a child for YEARS qualify me to be SUPER WOMAN MAMA?
Thank God it doesn’t.
Thank God that He tenderly and gently reminds me of His grace for me…of grace that I can have for myself…of pure unadulterated GRACE.
Thankfully a ton of this “do it myself” mentality came to a head this Summer and my sweet husband and I came together to make this more of a partnership. He is learning to become more helpful with household chores and I am learning to allow him to help.
But it’s not just these heavy burdens I place on myself that cause me to judge me…it’s also the real raw human “mama moments” that have me feeling ashamed.
Days when 4:15 can’t come soon enough because Agnes has whined from what seemed like the very moment she woke up, she hasn’t napped, the whining doesn’t stop, and Daddy gets a text from me at 3:59 reminding him to leave work exactly at 4 so I can not be alone with the whiner anymore.
sometimes night one of being up several times cause baby girl is cutting another tooth, and I’m so tired I feel like I could puke from motion sickness in the rocking chair.
Dishes and laundry that never end, even though I have spent every second of nap time working on the piles (at the expense on maybe working out or sneaking a few minutes to read a novel).
When eating dinner at a restaurant using both hands for my own food and drink becomes a fantasy because Agnes is “so over the outing” that she needs my hands to tickle her and drive a car around her high chair so she won’t scream and disturb all the other diners.
The list of complaints I heard from moms was long…and each little thing I heard hurt…in my heart I said to myself, “I wish I had kids in my house, I’m sick of girl’s nights, I never want a babysitter I just want to be with MY BABY, I’d take some sleepless nights to have a baby right now, whining? really? I wish I had a little whining creature in my home…”
I don’t want this to be a post about airing all my hardships or complaints of “mama”ing…and I certainly don’t want to cause pain to any waiting mamas out there. God is showing me that “judgey sinner McSinner Pants” needs to get off her throne and out of my heart. He is showing me His grace and His mercies that are new every morning
new every second if we need. He is showing me that being a mama is hard (like all things in life, we do live in a fallen world after all) but His grace is sufficient, even for the hard. He is showing me that I am not a bad mom if we have a bad day. He is showing me that He loves me, He cares for me, He wants the best for me.
This “adoptive mom guilt” doesn’t need to be there. I don’t need to judge myself…I don’t need to judge. We don’t need to judge each other. I need to accept God’s grace. I need to see the compassion He has on me. I need to see that He sees me even on the loneliest of days…He sees me when I’m covered in puke, wearing dirty sweat pants, and my hair is in its usual messy bun…He sees me when I am frustrated because my daughter (who I love more than anything, who I want to be there for at all times) is whining so much, and I just need a little break.
Mamahood is HARD.
Mamahood is HARD for mamas who get pregnant on their wedding night and birth a healthy baby.
Mamahood is HARD for mamas who have 5 kids or just one kid.
Mamahood is HARD for mamas who have had several miscarriages.
Mamahood is HARD for mamas who had to seek help from fertility doctors to get pregnant.
Mamahood is HARD for adoptive mamas.
Mamahood is also a treasure. It has so many great moments, that FAR outweigh the hard ones (even when the hard moments run-on into hard days, even hard weeks). God’s grace is sufficient for the hard “mama”ing times.
Waiting and praying for years for a baby doesn’t exempt us from having hard mama moments once you become a mama…His power is made perfect in my weakness…meaning it is OKAY to be weak, in fact welcomed to be weak so that I can see His power in action. Needing a break doesn’t mean I’m a bad mama, it simply means I’m a mama…waiting years didn’t make me immune to any hard “mama”ing. Let’s give ourselves grace mamas! Let’s give each other much grace! Let’s be there for each other in the good and the hard “mama”ing!