I had so much fun hopping back into this space last Friday that I thought I would come back for a few minutes while my little angel girl sleeps in this morning.
Am I the only one who has to have little chatseepoos (it’s a word…made up possibly…but it’s a word) with yourself at a constant?
Like I tell myself, “self! Stop thinking about that one thing!” or “self! Leave that person alone they don’t want to hear your problems.” followed by “self, you really need friends, try to be normal and cool with people” or “self! You are SUCH a WEIRDO!” or “self, why can’t you get your act together?” or “self! WE GOT THIS!” followed by “self!!! We are making the wrong decision, let’s doubt doubt doubt”….
If you missed my Five Minute Friday Post last week, go give it a read
yes I know I barely deserve a single reader with my extremely poor attendance here over the last 6 months and you will find a little nugget of info there…basically crisis hit hard here over the last 6 months and with that my brain has been on CHATSEEPOO OVERLOAD! All the “whys”, “whens”, “what will happen nexts”…all the “worries”, “doubts”, and “super crazies” have been in FULL FORCE!
This morning I’m drinking my coffee, all alone
not completely alone, my Jesus is here with me, in silence except for the city construction sounds coming in through the windows and I’m just pondering how to work out this chatseepoo problem I’m having…cause let me tell you, it IS a problem! No one’s brain should be on this kind of roller coaster ALL THE TIME! UGH!
While I have by NO MEANS arrived yet, I have found some ways to turn the coaster off
or at least slow it down some in my brain so I thought I’d share them with ya!! I mean I gotta give you something after all this silence.
- 1. Fill your brain with something truly good that can drown out the noise…the only thing I can find for this is the WORD OF GOD. Seriously, I open my Bible and just read…sometimes a verse
on days when I can’t get my fingers to open that Bible cause I’m stubborn and hurt, I simply read the verse of the day on my phone…in fact this sweet lady that I have yet to meet has been sending me a verse a day ALL SUMMERsometimes I read a chapter, and then some days when the noisy roller coaster has gotten out of control I just read till the noise dulls.
I was discussing some of this yuck I have jumbled up in my head with my sweet friend Lizzy last night and I realized as I was talking it out with her that there was a major common denominator in the jumble…ME…yup I said it, most of the yuck revolved around ME…who hates me?…who doesn’t love me anymore?…will anyone ever love me?…did I do something to that person?…what will I do next with my life?…who will be mad at me about it?….the list goes on but at the center of all the doubts and worries was ME! YUCK! TOO MUCH ME in one little space!
I have self admitted that getting into the Bible has been a challenge for my hurting heart this Summer, but I am coming to a place of surrender
yes, I said coming…not perfect and still very much hurting so it is a work in progress and during those times that I cave in and let the word wash over me a little more of me fades away and a little more of the worries and doubts fade away with me….
- 2. Write it down…You see what I’m doing here…I’m writing it down. I have this journal that my SIL gave me for Mother’s Day…CAN I JUST STOP AND GIVE A SHOUT OUT TO MY SIL!!! She loved me and cared for me all Summer, girlfriend had my back on Mother’s Day, my birthday, and my anniversary this Summer!! GO CHELSEA!! …the journal says Trust the Lord right on the front
maybe I should just read the journal title several times a day…it would be a great starting point for my sitchand I have been writing in it for a few weeks now…if you know me I am a journal LOVER and I normally write my heart out in my journal DAILY, I write my prayers out, I write lists in crisis here things are not normalbut for the last 6 months journaling just hasn’t happened.
I told my sweet friend Lizzy that I am going to need to burn this journal when it is full…it has the good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing,
the wow did a teenage girl write all this, look at those doodles the heart cries, the dreams, ALL. THE. THINGS. because I just wrote ALL. THE. THINGS. like all the cool instagramers and bloggers, do you forgive me for my 6 months silence and promise to keep reading LOL. This journal has pros and cons lists, grocery lists, scripture copied right out of my trusty blue Bible….and let me tell you, it is HEALING my heart! Getting back in this little old space is healing and life giving too!!
- 3. The silliest way I am helping myself deal with this chatseepoo problem I am having in my head, is by having CrAzY, OUT LOUD, spare no feelings, chatseepoos with the Lord! That is right, I’m having chatseepoos to deal with my chatseepoo problem….but guys, I’m taking the ME out and directing the convo at my Jesus…He has really thick skin and the BIGGEST heart for me so He can take it, and He takes it much better than I do, and He wants to take my burdens.
So….this last one looks kind of funny, especially to the Hungarians I pass on the street (I can only imagine)….I am this crazy American girl, speaking English quite loudly as I power march and push a stroller
with the cutest little brown girl inside around the city. I guess you could call it prayer…but I’m not kneeling and my eyes are definitely open and put your judgy thoughts away for this next statement I sometimes depending on the day OFTEN use profanity, yup you got me WICKED SINNER!
Aren’t we all just wicked sinners though?
Isn’t that why Jesus came?
Um! HECK YES IT IS!
And He loves me! He wants to heal me! He wants these chatseepoos in my head to cease! And He wants the chatseepoos to continue with Him! He is the lover of my soul! He can take it…I definitely can’t take it…so glad He can…so little by little
not promising everyday, all day, cause let’s be real, I’m human and did I mention IN CRISIS?!?! I’m gonna read His chatseepoos to me in the Bible, I’m gonna write out my chatseepoos in my journal and sometimes here for you lucky or maybe you’re feeling not so lucky readers and I’m gonna keep on marching with my Jesus and chatseepooing (and there I made my made up word into a verb) his head off!!