infertility, motherhood

My Mother’s Day Wish List

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Mother’s Day is one month away!!  For sooooo many years Mother’s Day brought me pain, like deep cutting “how am I gonna live through this day” kind of pain.  Now that I have one Mother’s Day under my belt as a mama, I am excited for Mother’s Day to come…but all the while, somewhere in the deep secret spaces of my heart I still ache on Mother’s Day…I ache for the mamas in waiting…I still hurt on Mother’s Day for my friends who are walking the dark road of infertility…and I wish (and PRAY HARD) for these waiting mamas to feel peace that passes understand on Mother’s Day (the HARDEST day of the year for some).

So, this year my Mother’s Day wish list contains these wishes:

I wish that I can be sensitive and intuitively watching out for the waiting mamas in my life on this day.

I wish to shower a waiting mama with some special love and gifts on Mother’s Day and I wish that you will feel challenged to do so as well!  Really think and pray about who that special friend is of yours who may be walking the long hard road of infertility or waiting to adopt, and write her a card, send her a gift, drop by with flowers and coffee and HUGS (yes, all the HUGS, and she will probably cry, but inside she is so appreciating that you care).

I wish to be a safe place for that waiting mama to come, a person she can pour her heart out to and cry with.  I wish to not make her feel ashamed because her body isn’t cooperating on the baby making front, but to make her feel loved and to share with her how precious she is in God’s eyes and in my own.

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I wish that God will bring friends to my mind and heart that have lost babies or long for babies so that I can lift them up in prayer!

I wish that God will provide some extra cash for me to give to that adopting couple, striving so hard to raise the funds to bring their baby home…and I wish that you will feel inspired to give toward an adoption as well!

I wish that in churches all over the world the waiting mamas will be acknowledged as well…and that when the mamas are asked to stand, that the waiting mamas will feel a little less horrible sitting in their seat, because YOU will grab her hand and hold it tight during this!  I wish that mothers will be honored on Mother’s Day of course, but that also prayers for waiting parents will come from those same pulpits on Mother’s Day.

I wish for you, waiting mama, that you won’t feel like you have to hide in your room with a pint on Ben and Jerry’s all day on Mother’s Day, that you will be able to get out of bed and enjoy time with your spouse…but also, if you just can’t get out of bed, I wish for you to know that is okay, and for you not to spend one minute feeling guilty about it!

I wish for mamas of waiting mamas to understand that your daughter loves you and thinks you are the best mama ever, even if she doesn’t show it super well on Mother’s Day.  She is struggling and sad, and even though you deserve for her to drive over to your house with flowers and chocolate or to take you out to brunch, maybe this year you go love on her instead!

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I wish for us all to be more sensitive (myself included) when asking people when they are going to have kids…we never know how that one question can hurt them so badly (well yes I actually do know that hurt, and I’m sorry waiting mama if I have ever inflicted it on you).

I wish for kindness and respect to flow from our lips when talking to waiting mamas this Mother’s Day…often a well meaning comment can hurt her, so really just lead with things like “I love you!  I’m praying for you!” and then stop there!  Say no more, she doesn’t need to hear more, she just needs to hear love!

I wish for all of us mamas who have our children in our arms to be careful about complaining about sleepless nights or whining toddlers!  I wish that we will bite our tongues and not share that all we want for Mother’s Day is to be alone in bed binge watching Netflix…this hurts that waiting mama!  If you truly feel this way, its okay and normal…but please, my wish this year is that you will share those feelings with your closest mama friends in the privacy of your own homes…don’t shout them from the roof tops (or facebook)!

I wish for us mamas to remember our single and childless friends that love our babies fiercely, that act as aunts and spoil them rotten…all the while they may be pining for a family of their own or wondering if they will ever get to mama someone…let’s remember them, lets treat them special…they are part of our village it is taking to raise our sweet kids and so often they are like mamas to so many, but inside feel the void of not truly being a mama.

I wish this Mother’s Day, and always actually, that we as women will build each other up and encourage each other…no matter the stage of life we are in, be it single and childless, mother of 6, waiting mama that is crying each month when she sees one line on yet another pregnancy test, or an empty nester mama that misses her kids that have gone off to college, or a grandma…let’s be kind!  Let’s love on each other and take a second to look beyond our own four walls, our own situation, even look beyond our own hurts and suffering, to think of another woman/mama/waiting mama that we could bless, encourage, love, and be there for!

Linked this Lovely post up here:

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adoption, faith, infertility, Uncategorized

Five Minute Friday no.3

Wow!  This is my third Friday participating in the Five Minute Friday Link-up!  It is such a fun exercise for my brain.  I get the new word each week, set my timer for 5 minutes and just write!  If you want to link-up also click on the link above or the picture below!  Today’s word is RELEASE!  Alright Timer is set…ready, set, write!

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When I think about the word release I think about catch and release fishing…

I think about needing to have something in your grasp first in order to then release it…

I think about letting something go…

For so many years I begged God for a baby.  I held so tight to the prayers and hopes and dreams of a child that sometimes I couldn’t see anything else.  Sometimes I lost sight of the Lord because I was so focused on the desires of my heart…you know that verse in Psalms that says God will give you the desires of your heart?  Well I knew it well…or so I thought…and I would beg God to do just that, give me my desires…but I totally ignored the first part of the verse so many times that says “delight yourself in the Lord” AND He will give you the desires of your heart.

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

~Psalm 37:4

I knew what I wanted and I gripped that desire tight.  For years this left me in anguish with white knuckles and sore hands from gripping my wants and desires.  It left me crying on the bathroom floor, it left me screaming out to God from the driver seat of my car, it left me feeling helpless when He didn’t do what I wanted at my command!

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Our first family selfie

Something AMAZING happened when I released my grip on my desires and truly gave them to God…

Something AMAZINGLY changed in my heart when I decided to operate in the first part of the verse…when I started to delight myself in the Lord…

I released all my hopes, dreams, desires, to Him and started to get to know Him and delight myself in Him…

He changed me a little each day and He placed new desires in my heart…

He placed better desires in my heart…

He took a desperate heap on the floor staring at yet another negative pregnancy test…scooped her up and held her…He healed her heart issues…He placed adoption on the forefront of her heart…He had better for her!

When I released my will and my way to the Lord, He gave me His will and way in place of it…and let me tell you HIS WAY is SO MUCH BETTER than my way…

Now I look down at my sweet little girl, the promise the Lord had for me long before I knew it, and I know that I must release her to Him…she is mine, but she is His first!  No I don’t literally have to release her to go live in a temple like Hannah did with Samuel, but I do have to give her life over to the Lord and be a good steward with my time with her and teach her about Him!

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She is getting so big!

What are you white knuckling today?

What desire of your heart are you desiring for God to give you today?

Are you delighting yourself in Him first?

What do you need to release to the Lord so that you can let Him give you something far better in return?

Thanks for reading head on over to five minute Fridays and read the other release posts!  Happy Friday! 

crafty, faith, fashion, fitness, health, infertility, marriage, motherhood, photography, prayer, reading, self-care

When Showering is on Your “to do” List

Are you feeling tired Mama?

Are you feeling busy Mama?

Are you drowning in diapers and dirty dishes?

You and your messy bun need to practice some healthy self care!

Easier said than done, right?!?!  How can you spend any of your precious time on self care if you practically have to put showering on your to do list so you can pencil in some time.  Don’t let the “mama”ing blues get the best of you.

Give this doable list of everyday self-care tips a read and a try, it just may surprise you!

     1. Do a daily devotional.

I love sitting down with a steaming hot cup of black coffee, my big maroon leather bound study Bible open in my lap, my journal and a good pen you know you agree with me that there are good pens and there are bad pens, and just digging into God’s word.  I am active in a couple of Bible studies with other ladies, and I am the dork that loves doing the homework where was that version of myself in high school?.

No matter how much I love uninterrupted study time with Jesus, that doesn’t always happen.  I don’t always have time, quietness, or the personal space (cue my two year old saying “lap, mama lap!”) to study and get into God’s word like I desire to…but if I wanna stay sane, I gotta have time with my Lord…some days that means I can drink my coffee and it is hot the whole time, and I can get out several translations of the Bible, and I can pull out my husband’s Bible college study books to answer questions stirred from my study…but a lot of days my time with the Lord is a short and sweet devotional that gets me thinking, and the rest of the day talking to him silently as I go about my business of “mama”ing.

One of my favorite classic devotional books is Streams in the Desert.  There is a devotional a day for every day of the year, and I have probably read each of them at least 3 times and they still provoke fresh thoughts.

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I also LOVE LOVE LOVE If by Amy Carmichael…it’s not really a devotional but it has heart convicting thoughts that can give me lots to chew on throughout my day!

I found a simple little devotional book on clearance at TJ Maxx this Summer and it is also quite nice.  The point is they are all short and sweet, but set my mind on things above.  You may not believe this I mean I am a blogger, typing away right now in fact, but I don’t have a smart phone and I don’t really do much of the techie things like have apps and stuff except for kindle out of necessity being in a non-english speaking country a girl has got to read but I managed to find some for you all!  Go check out Bible gateway!  They have tons, FOR FREE!  Our Daily Bread has great daily offerings as well!

It doesn’t matter if you prefer paper books or using your phone, spending 5 minutes a day in a simple devotional will do wonders for you!  We are all busy mamas, but 5 minutes can be found somewhere (even if it means you have to leave a few dishes in the sink).

     2. Move your body

I know what you are thinking.

I said this was going to be a doable list of self-care.

Just about every list of self-care out there will tell you to exercise.

True.  They do tell you to exercise.  What I want to tell you is, moving your body doesn’t always mean going to the gym or for a walk or even leaving your house at all.

Just move.  Put on some music and dance.  Your kids can join you, they dance off some energy, maybe nap better, everyone wins.  Get down on the floor and do some crunches or push-ups.  March in place while you push your kid on the swing…just yesterday I did calf raises while pushing Agnes on the swing, it was an awesome multi-tasking moment and I felt so much better for it!  Do something to get yourself moving each day, I know it has been said TOO MANY times, but it really helps!

I found faithful workouts to be amazing!  They have workouts as short as under 10 minutes and as long as an hour, so if I don’t make excuses I can always squeeze one of them in.

     3. Rock those yoga pants!  Own those sweats!

You know the timeless advice, “put on real clothes and makeup, it will make you feel better”…well I’m about to turn that advice upside-down.  As moms we get messy, we get food and boogers and often times much worse wiped on us…we spend a lot of our day on the floor or bent over or swaying or rocking…we are running and chasing and tickling…and let’s just face it all of that is WAY MORE COMFORTABLE in sweats or yoga pants!

So, if you wanna show yourself some self-care and loving go get yourself some super cute pajama pants, sweat pants, and/or yoga pants.  Splurge if you are able and get something really comfy, soft, and beautiful think of it as your work uniform, you wouldn’t mind spending the cash on that.

I love my Gap sweats, but they are old and I’d love me a new pair of these.  I could live in my gap body leggings, capri style and would rock them in public if I wasn’t a firm believer in “leggings are not pants” especially with my hips and thighs.

Check these out, I shopped for you just click on the pictures put them in your cart and hit checkout!  I’ll be the girl vicariously living through your purchases till I get to the U S of A this Summer (not a huge fan of shopping here in my country of residence, a.k.a. Hungary).








There’s also a HUGE selection of lovely leggings available in my friends’ Lula Roe Shop and they would love to help you pick the right pair!  Mention Plans To Prosper Us blog and get 20% your ENTIRE order with Sherri and Anne through April 30, 2018!  Go now and grab that deal!

     4. Treat your skin kindly.

I’m in my thirties now…let me clarify, EARLY thirties…and I have decided it is time to start using night cream on my face.  Occasionally I even throw some vitamin e oil at this mug of mine.  It takes me all of 30 seconds to rub night cream on before I go to bed, but let me tell you it really makes me feel like I have done something for ME, just ME, and I can honestly say I don’t have that feeling often.

I’m currently using this:

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…because I am a super fancy card carrying member of Yves Rocher and with my card I get discounts and FREE GIFTS.



…but go ahead and be you, splurge on an expensive cream like the Ahava cream I have been eyeing at the pharmacy, or grab yourself some Pond’s cold cream at the local CVS…just get yourself something that may only take 30 seconds to apply, but gives you the satisfaction of doing something for yourself!

**saving my obsession with hair masks for a future posts**

     5. Nightly ritual with your spouse GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER not talking about sex…although that can be good self-care…I digress.

Alright, gather yourself and take this seriously…I know I wrote the word sex and my mom is reading this but I’m gonna move on from that and gather myself too.

We put our sweet girl to bed at 7 pm every night and at about 7:30 we meet on the couch.  My husband brings the tea (usually peppermint for him and chamomile for me) and I cue up the latest episode of one of our favorite shows.  Sometimes we chat for a bit before we engross ourselves in some binge-worthy TV, sometimes I play sudoku on the ipad while we watch…but there is ALWAYS tea!  I look forward to my hot cup of tea and my feet being warmed under my hubby’s bum I said bum, sorry mum…and now I’m rhyming for a bit before bed.  This is technically us time but it is also oh so good for me time too.

Your nightly ritual doesn’t have to involve tea…it could be popcorn and crossword puzzles or a big bowl of ice cream…it doesn’t have to involve food or drink at all, but I highly suggest it involves feet being warmed under your spouse’s bum!

      6. Bless someone.

Do something nice for someone else.  Bake cookies for your husband to take to work.  Write a letter to a friend and mail it.  Buy a gift for someone, just because.

Take your time wrapping up your gift, make it look pretty and nice!  Wrap up a warm loaf of banana bread and tie a piece or ribbon or twine around it and deliver it to the neighbor, or maybe even the homeless man down the street.

I’ll do another post on this and practical ways to be a blessing in the future, but for now I leave you with this: doing kind things for others and being grateful can really improves your own attitude…when we take the focus off ourselves for just a moment it increases our joy!

     7. Fresh. Air. And. Sunshine.

Get outside.  Go read this post for some of the health benefits and if you simply google fresh air and sunshine you will be inundated with info…but from personal experience we all do better in my home when Mama is happy, and getting outside each day helps Mama stay just that, H A P P Y!

Take the kids outside with you, lay a blanket down in the grass and watch them play.  Go to the park and bring a book to read while the kids play.  Take a walk.  While babies are napping grab your monitor and head outside with a glass of iced tea and just soak in the outdoor air alone.  Garden, dig in the dirt.  Go outside and take pictures.

It doesn’t really matter the activity that gets you outside, just do it.  I promise it will improve your mood!  Go out on gray days too…but especially on the days when that vitamin D is flowing from the rays of the sun.

      8. Put something in the books, regularly.

I have three standing events each week…a lunch date/prayer time with some friends…a ladies dinner/Bible study time in my home in the evening…a morning ladies Bible study.

Do I always make it to all three each week?

The answer is no, but they remain on my calendar.  If I don’t make it this week, I try again next week.  If people get sick (my baby included) and plans get cancelled, it is okay I regroup for the next one.

Having these standing events on my calendar keeps me in forward motion.  While I’m a lover of sweats and yoga pants (cue tip #3), these standing events require me to put on real pants and maybe even some makeup.  These events require me to be with other people besides me, myself, and my little.  These events bring refreshment to my soul and honestly keep me sane.

How can you make this happen?  Put a standing play date on the calendar with a friend and her little, say you will meet every Tuesday at the mall food court for lunch, set up a weekly Skype call with family that lives away, start having a date night every other week with your hubby at your favorite restaurant…whatever kinds of outings (or “in”ings like the Bible study in my home) that get you to interact with other adults on a regular basis, MAKE THEM HAPPEN!

     9. Make an easy peasy to do list.

Okay, this could be one of my favorites on the list who am I kidding, I made the list and love all the things on it and maybe the easiest to accomplish!

Get yourself a dry erase board, a magnetic notebook that hangs on the fridge, a journal…if you’re desperate lip stick and a mirror, and write down a short (2-3 items) to do list when you start your day.  Then throughout the day as you complete the items on the list, cross them off!

The trick here is that you put things on the list that you know in your heart you will complete.  The key isn’t accomplishing a HUMONGOUS feat…the key is accomplishing SOMETHING!  Finishing anything can be HUGE when you have littles undoing and distracting and just getting under feet…so here is an example to do list like I’m talking about:

TO DO:

  1. put a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom
  2. put dirty clothes from the floor into the laundry hamper
  3. fold all the throw blankets in the living room and place them nicely on couch and chairs

TO DO:

  1. hang one load of laundry (yes I hang all laundry, no dryer here folks)
  2. put real clothes on Agnes (instead of staying in pjs all day)
  3. throw away 3 old items in fridge

Notice I didn’t put anything too daunting like “doing all the dishes” on the list…I save the major things for my ongoing list that never ends…but having a COMPLETED LIST each day can make me feel like Super Woman!

Ps. I promise not to judge you if you do put something HUGE on your list like vacuuming the whole living room or 2 loads of laundry…in fact sometimes I put bigger challenges on my short list, but the key is I only put them there if I am prepared to finish them…this list is all about COMPLETION and the AWESOME feels that come with that!

     10. Three words: Adult Coloring Book.

Stop everything and go now to the nearest Walmart, Target, CVS, Rite Aid, or hit up Amazon and get yourself some “mommy crayons” a.k.a. SHARPIES (or some quality colored pencils if you prefer) and then hide them WAY UP HIGH on a shelf where your little can’t reach them or climb to them, and then enter your email address to follow my blog, on the right hand side of this page, and I will email you a few coloring pages designed by yours truly to get you started on your coloring journey of soothing mindless activity.



In all seriousness, coloring is so calming!  It is a great way to wind down after the kids go to bed, and it can also be a calming activity to do with the kids when things are getting to hectic and you just need to breathe!  Adult coloring books have become all the rage and I totally understand why.  It is so freeing to just let myself go with my Sharpies and a good coloring page…and I often do this with my feet under my hubby’s bum with an episode of The Good Doctor or Grey’s playing in the background!

I hope you find at least one thing on this list helpful!  Take care of yourself Mama!

FYI, this site uses affiliate links in most posts, and if you choose to purchase through the provided links, we will make a small commission. This is at no additional cost to you and the proceeds are used to fund this blog and support our family. Thank you!

adoption, faith, infertility, motherhood

Adoptive Mom Guilt Part One (Ps. I think this applies to Bio Moms too, hey it probably applies to more than just moms)

All the guilt.

All the shame.

All the feelings.

How could I have wanted this so bad and still want this so badly but have these feelings?

These hard feelings…

How could I possibly need a break?

Have a right to a break?

Take a break?

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I remember driving in my car, tears streaming down my face making my vision blurry like it was raining but is wasn’t.  I would grip the steering wheel tight and cry and scream out to God begging him for a baby.  I remember bargaining with the Lord, promising to live a certain way or do certain things for a child in exchange.  I remember the heart ache I felt during every baby shower I attended and planned for others.  I can still feel the sting of carefree pregnancy announcements from friends and relatives “whoops, we didn’t mean to get pregnant that fast!”.  I can feel the anguish after looking at 1 pink line on yet another stick, realizing the nausea I was experiencing was wishful thinking.  I haven’t forgotten those all consuming feelings of inadequacy not being able to give my husband a baby month after month.

But something that stung the most for me was seeing others seem to be careless with their treasures.  The one thing I truly wanted was to be a mom, to care for a precious baby of my own.  When moms in my life would complain about mothering it felt like a knife stuck in my open wound being twisted.

“I just have to get out of this house away from my kids!”

“I need a girl’s night out!”

“YAY! Babysitter tonight!”

“Oh how I could kill for a full night of sleep!”

“My kids wouldn’t stop whining today!”

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The list of complaints I heard from moms was long…and each little thing I heard hurt…in my heart I said to myself, “I wish I had kids in my house, I’m sick of girl’s nights, I never want a babysitter I just want to be with MY BABY, I’d take some sleepless nights to have a baby right now, whining? really? I wish I had a little whining creature in my home…”

The Lord has really worked on my heart in this area.  He is showing me His grace for others and His compassion.  Some of the things I took as personal hurt were actually a sin issue in my own heart because I was hurting.  Out of my own self pity and grief  I judged others quite harshly, on a non-human unfair scale.  This realization hasn’t just come because I am a mom now and have some of those same complaints and if I’m honest here, I do have some of them at times but God started working on my heart about this issue even before Agnes came home.  He has been and continues to show me my utter depravity and need for Him, our collective complete depravity as humans and total need for His saving grace.  He had compassion on me and all my super sinfulness when I least deserved it…so what makes me worthy of judging anyone else?  He is showing me the immense compassion He has had on me and is gently reminding me to have this compassion on others.  He sees hearts, I don’t.

I may not agree with the way other moms parent.

I may not have the same convictions as all my Christian friends.

I may not be comfortable with all the different ways Christians worship.

And that is okay.  God judges our hearts.  Humbly I have to look at my own ways and see if I am doing all to His glory.  I have to check my own motives, no one else’s.  I must do all things unto God…whether that is scrubbing the toilet, changing a diaper, rocking my sick baby girl in the middle of the night, leading a ladies Bible study in my home, or meeting a friend who is hurting and listening to her cry.  I stand and fall before the Lord and I alone.  This process God has taken me through about judgement of others hasn’t been an easy one and I am still learning each day, but I am thankful for His tender heart that hasn’t given up on my wicked sinner self and is gently guiding me in truth and love.

Part two of this post coming soon!

adoption, faith, infertility, ministry, motherhood

Needing Him When the Waiting is Over…

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Perhaps the greatest void I have ever had in my life was the void of being childless…for MANY years that void was filled with prayer and heartfelt cries out to God.  That void brought me to my knees more than I wanted to be, but it took me so close to the Lord.  I knew He loved me and was caring for me even in my pain.

Now that void has been filled with the greatest JOY in my life, my precious little Agnes girl!  God answered my prayers, He brought me my greatest desire, He gave us our girl and the time of waiting ended.

Did I stop needing Him?

No!…but….but somewhere in the depths of my selfish sinner heart I think I felt like me needs were met and I no longer needed Him.  I had my precious girl in my arms!  I was a mama!  My prayers were answered!  I sort of in a gloating way said to God “Lord, go ahead give yourself a vacation, you did good! Take some time to answer another girl’s prayers.”  My daughter is great, therefore I’m great, end of story!  On we march as a happy family of three now with NO NEEDS!!  “YAY GOD!  YOU DID IT!”

That was before now…before this point where I am barely scratching the surface of motherhood…before lots of sleepless nights and exhaustion like I have never experienced before…before day in day out singing the same songs and reading the same books….before long days without adult interaction and short evenings with a hubby working on his master’s degree…before indescribable loneliness, while at the same time NEVER HAVING ONE SECOND ALONE (not even on the toilet)…before this point where I find myself hopelessly on the floor crying out my needs to Him…my daily needs, my hourly needs, my minute to minute needs.

It’s not just motherhood, it can be any season or stage of life, really it’s all of life that should drive us to our knees.  I am learning SLOWLY (maybe that’s why God made me a teacher, cause I understand the slow learner and need for repetition of lessons) and relearning that God wants me to solely rely on Him for EVERYTHING, for EVERY breath I take, for my joy, for providing for me, for taking my anxieties, HE WANTS MY ALL TO RELY ON HIS ALL!

My pride seems to get in my way, I think I can do this, I am fine, I don’t need God’s help cause I am not in crisis…I really think God allowed (notice I say allowed and not caused…I don’t think God caused my infertility and pain, He loves me too much to cause me such pain) so much time to pass between wanting to be a mama and me being one because I sought Him so much during that time.  He is jealous for me!  He wants me!  He wants me to want Him!  I’m strong willed and stubborn and I think I can do it alone…and that works for about five minutes and then I get down on myself and anxiety creeps in….all the while God is waiting for me patiently to call out to Him, to rely on Him for peace, to rely on Him for joy, to rely on Him for answers.

I wish I was more like my strong willed daughter (she may not have my blood running through her little veins, but God bless her she is strong willed like her mama).  My almost two year old knows what she wants and when she wants it and how she wants it.  She is learning how to do things on her own and wants to do them on her own.  However, my almost two year old daughter knows when she needs Mama’s help and she isn’t afraid to ask, she may not say the word “help” yet, but she gets her point across as she boldly comes to me for help several times a day.  Just yesterday I heard her little cries and pleas for help coming from her bed room, and I found her sitting in her book box.  She wanted to get in there, so she did…she then got stuck and instantly asked Mama to get her out!

WHY CAN’T I BE LIKE THIS WITH THE LORD?!?!  I’m learning…but…unlike my daughter, I fuss and struggle first until I’m so wedged in the box that I am screaming LORD HELP!

My daughter is THE ABSOLUTE BEST (I know there are many parents who will disagree with me on that statement, as you should)!  I am beyond blessed, and SO GRATEFUL to God that I get to be Agnes’ mama!  The years of struggle and immense pain are all worth it to be her mama.  Also I am humbled to be her mama, and I am humbled by this experience of living life after the waiting is over and learning that I still need Him.  I still need to “wait” on Him for all aspects of my life.

Never do I want to complain about motherhood, but I do have to give myself more grace and omit some of my pride and admit that motherhood is HARD.  My pride and do it all myself attitude has driven me right to a place of crisis at times (different than the crisis of longing for a baby, but crisis none the less).  Am I thankful for crisis mode?  Honestly?  NO!….but in reality I am thankful for my depraved humanity that so GLARINGLY shows me that I need Christ in ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE!  I need Him in my loneliness, in my mothering, in my marriage.

With shame I admit that I fully thought I would ROCK THIS thing called motherhood…I put pressure on myself that when I became a mama it would be ALL ME, MRS.AWESOMENESS….I judged other moms in my heart and even more shamefully, outwardly that I didn’t think treasured their momness enough….I thought I deserved so much!  Now, with equal shame, but also with humility, I admit I was wrong!  I can’t be the best anything (mom, teacher, wife, friend, woman, grocery shopper, cook…etc) without my LORD!

Realizing my dire need for Him is freeing in many ways!  However in lots of ways it has felt like I am being cut wide open.  All my thoughts and notions about life are being ripped wide open and exposed for what they are, MY thoughts.  I am learning (remember I am a slow learner) that I DEFINITELY NEED GOD EVEN THOUGH THE WAITING IS OVER!  I am learning that me, myself, and I are NOT a great team!  I am learning that He has my best interest at heart, that He longs for me to have JOY, PEACE, and a FULL LIFE!

I am also learning that I have to CHOOSE HIM….choose Him daily…choose Him in each diaper change….choose Him each time my daughter has minor flip outs in public places….choose him when I’m yet again sitting on the toilet with a little person, her stuffed animal, book, and shampoo bottle are all in my lap too….choose Him when she says a new word or does a new “trick”….choose Him when we are having a tickle fight as a family of three in our big bed….choose Him when my friend tells me she has a brain tumor….choose Him when I prepare to take on a women’s Bible study in my home…I have to CHOOSE HIM in all the parts of this thing called life, in the good parts, in the bad parts, in the ugly parts!

God showed himself strong to me in trials, and it was made super evident that He shows up when we are in the depths crying out to Him.  Now I am getting the pleasure of seeing Him in the Joys of life, in the mundane on life, and the messy parts (mostly the parts where there is too much of me) of life!